There are days and there are days and there are days like these.
Morning too bright and too soon, nights that last forever and are far
too short. Riding her Harley to work, she tries to remember how it
feels to be alive.
To be dead. One bad turn and--
There was a moment, a split-second bleeding into infinity, when the
Colonel was hit and she didn't know whether he was alive or dead. And
she prayed, furiously, "Oh, God, anyone but him, please."
And. And, now, Cassie's eyes at breakfast are (accusatory) (angry)
(sad). Fill in the blank grief.
She rides her motorcycle to work because it reminds her that there is
nothing more than illusion and fancy standing between life and death.
*
"Major."
"Colonel."
Nods of greeting, nothing more. Nothing less. If there's tension
between them, that's as it's always been. Nothing has changed. (This is
what they tell themselves, late at night; these are their whispered
endearments.)
The elevator stops; they both get off.
*
They are careful, all of them, not to get injured on duty. "It's not
that the new CMO is incompetent," they whisper amongst themselves,
"but."
("It's just-- he's not our Doc, you know?")
They spent years placing their lives in her hands, and it will take
even longer to learn to trust someone else with them.
("If ever," no one says.)
*
P3Y-225. She wants to burn down every single tree on the planet.
*
Post-mission checkups.
She can almost hear Daniel telling himself that it's Janet's day off,
that she's home with Cassie, watching bad daytime television. There are
times she curses the universe, for teaching this gentle man to bury his
pain so deeply.
"Sam?"
"Yeah."
They sit, side by side, and wait for their turn.
*
They walk down the corridor, daring anyone to approach them. Four
across, they march.
"So, whaddya say you, me, Daniel, Teal'c, and the rugrat do dinner
tonight? My treat."
"Sir, I'm not sure--"
"C'mon, Sam, I think this could be good for us." Daniel pauses, pushing
his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "All of us."
Even Teal'c is looking at her expectantly.
"Just, no promises, okay? Cassie's a bit... it's just, with moving into
my place and everything..."
She doesn't finish. They already know.
*
Dinner is pizza for four.
She doesn't mention that Cassie only decided to spend the evening at
Dominic's after Sam told her that the guys were coming over for
dinner. Some things, they don't need to know; some things can only
cause pain. Instead, she tells them that Cassie's studying for a
Calculus exam.
"Oh," Daniel says. "Oh, okay, then."
Sitting in her living room, they stare at their food.
"Anyone want a beer?"
"Oh, god, yes. Thank you Carter."
*
Jack stays behind, leaving Daniel to drive Teal'c back to the mountain.
"So."
"So."
She shuts off the lights behind them. Her bedroom is silent and
accusatory, his clothes dropping to the floor surreally loud.
She kisses him to prove they're still alive. She's not sure she cares
why, exactly, he kisses her back.
*fin.
[once more into the fray]